My update...

So last week was probably the hardest week here yet.
We had our lectures on Lordship by Mark Parker, He was so awesome and really challenged me. There were so many things that were coming to the surface that I needed to deal with and totally surrender to God it was overwhelming. I needed to deal with some pride issues, my "fear of man", some past stuff with relationships, paths I chose to walk on and bad choices. So there was alot to face and confess to God as well as I had been really upset and trying to cope with the fact that I may be coming home sooner than I wanted...Yes, that means I still don't have all my money for outreach.
At first I was mad at God, upset and really heavy hearted because I REALLY want to go on outreach and it was not looking like it was possible. So I was really wrestling with God on that all week. And God just opened my eyes more, I had to re-evaluate the reasons why I was wanting to go so badly and what was my purpose for going.
He asked me if I wanted to go because it would be fun to see these different places and be with my YWAM family longer, or if it was because my heart truly broke for the people there and I wanted to reach them and become more intimate with God. And If I was not wanting to go home yet for the right reasons.
That really got me thinking and it stirred up that passion again to go for the RIGHT reasons. So I just had to lay that down. If God wants me to still go on outreach than I will most certainly be willing to go and totally psyched and thankful for that. But if God doesn't want me to go on outreach and just go home, I need to be prepared for that and willing to obey him...which is really hard for me to even think about but that's the reality of it.
On Friday we had all laid stuff down and that's what I felt needed to be laid down, to just totally trust in Gods plan and not to try and make my own anymore. That day we where in lectures for like 11 hours, we had a short lunch break in the middle but that's it. So that was really draining but soo good. The one worship song "blessed be your name" we were singing that day had a line that really stuck out to me, "When there's pain in the offering blessed be your name". We truly know its a sacrifice/offering when there is pain in it, and yes it will be painful but I know that it is molding and shaping my character and walk with God. And that's what I came here for, to be transformed by God and walk in HIS plan for my life.
One verse that helped me was Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 it says how there is a time for everything, a time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to build up and a time to tear down, to find and to loose, to be quiet and to speak up, a time to have sorrow and a time to dance...and so on. You have to endure the bad to really appreciate the good and to really be stretched and grow. I really had to learn how to really worship God even if I was not wanting to, to worship him in the good and bad times.
By the end of Friday I was emotionally, spiritually and physically drained, and we were just starting worship again. At that time I really had to rely on God's strength and give him the worship he deserves, even if I didn't like some stuff that was going on and I was tired I knew he was showing me how to lay it down and give him all...no matter what.
So tomorrow the leaders are buying the tickets, and it will probably be the deciding factor if I go or not. Tonight my outreach team prayed over me at our meeting and that really helped give me peace, I really love my team and I really would love to go on outreach with them and experience all that God has in store. But really I know that whatever happens will be for the best and I'm still looking forward to see what God has in store for my future.
So if you could be praying for me and a few of the other students that are in the same boat as me that would help so very much and give us peace.
All I have left to to is to prepare to be amazed...